Wednesday, October 30, 2013

I am a victim of Infertility.

 I honestly don't even know how to start this entry. I really would rather just close down my blog all together and pretend this never happened! But God has really been dealing with me over the last several months about sharing my heart. I am terrified about this whole process, but I am dead set on keeping it as real and raw as possible.

 I remember having lots of baby dolls as a little girl - I named most all of them Susie - for what reason, I have no idea. By the time I was 15 I had my life completely planned out - down to what I would name my two adorable children, I was open to a 3rd child, but I for sure had to have two - but no more than three. I am a planner. I like to think things through. I had this planned for years! haha

 One night I remember having a sleepover with my best friend. We were both maybe 16 and we were talking about out latest crushes, our weddings, and yes, our future kids. I distinctly remember her saying "Bout if we can't have kids - I would really want to adopt" My response: "Oh, if I cant have kids, for whatever reason, then i'll just take it as God telling me it's not His plan. I have no desire to adopt." In my mind I was thinking "of course i'll have kids - no one im related to has really struggled with infertility - i'll be fine".

 I'm now 32 years old, with two miscarriages under my belt...and still.no.kids.

 I had my first miscarriage just a few months after my first marriage (we are now divorced). When I saw that pregnancy test say "pregnant" I was overwhelm with emotions. My perfect little adult life was coming together! I went out that night and bought an outfit - it was a girls outfit, cause I just knew I would have a little princess first. Our families were all a little shocked - it was going to take them some time to comes to terms with everything. But all I knew was that I was going to be a mom!

 Several weeks later I experienced my first miscarriage. I had gone to the doctor, expecting to hear her heartbeat for the first time, instead - long story short - I went home knowing that within in the next 24 hours I would have some discomfort and would pass a "mass". The night of my miscarriage forever changed me. I have never experienced emotions like that. I slapped a smile on my face and told everyone I was ok and that the doctor assured me that I was healthy and that sometimes this happens and lots of women miscarry their first child - some do not even know it. We would try again in a year when we were more established. And to be honest, I eventually was ok. Sure, it still hurt when I thought about it - but, I was still young  - I was only 21 - I still had tons of time to have my babies.

 Two years later, I miscarried again. I didn't tell anyone - when I saw the positive pregnancy test I was elated, but I buried it in the bottom of the trash can as I did not want to tell anyone until I knew the child was healthy. I scheduled my doctor appointment and daydreamed about the next 9 months. A few weeks later a heavy period and all of a sudden a negative pregnancy test. I didn't tell a soul. I was ashamed and embarrassed.

 From that day on i've never had another positive test.

 I hope to share more over the next several weeks about my emotional and spiritual journey on infertility. The heartache, anger, pain, embarrassment and all the other emotions that only someone who has lost a child or longed for a child can relate to. I will also talk about how God is currently {slowly} healing my heart and giving my soul peace.

xo

Stephanie

10 comments:

  1. Stephanie. I loved reading your story. I am so happy that you have come to a point that you can share your journey because I know you will touch the hearts of many and be blessed beyond belief for doing so!! I know it doesn't make it any easier. I look up to you for so many reasons. Thank you for sharing your life with us!

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    1. Thank you friend - you have always been so supportive xo

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  2. Thank you for your boldness with the topic. I had my first miscarriage at 21 and never realized how it would forever change me...... I wish more women could be as open as you... Praying for a perfect child, no matter the source, :)

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    1. Sarah - hugs to you, im so sorry to hear of your loss...

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  3. I love you so much. You are bold and courageous. I am so thankful that you are sharing this journey, because I know there will be healing and restoration. I didn't tell you, because I just didn't know how to, but for the past six months, I have been praying for your specifically in this area. Then, a few weeks back, Pastor Dan started a sermon series called "Bold." This series changed me and changed my prayers for you. I know God is using me to intercede for you {I know you have some mega fans in the prayer department, but you have me too--not that awesome, but it's something} During the "Bold" series, PD talked about praying-bold. He basically broke it down to saying we should be asking for specific things and what we pray for reflects what we believe about God and His abilities. You should go to the website and listen to it. To boil it down, he said that he believed God would lay something or someone on our hearts and that we should believe and pray for this to happen and just see the results. We were in the middle of service, and you and I hadn't really seen each other in weeks and all the sudden, you were burned in my brain as my God thing to pray for.
    I was crying, here at my desk at work, while reading this because I can’t help feel connected to what God is preparing to do in your life. I love you. Absolutely nothing is impossible for our Father in Heaven, and I know he loves you dearly. Just know, I am praying for you!

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    1. now you have me crying at work! love you - thank you for always having my back ;)

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  4. Thank you for sharing that! Most women aren't willing to go there. I personally haven't had a miscarriage, but my sister did. She's my twin sister and we always dreamed of being pregnant together. She became pregnant just 3 months after I did. And lost her little angel a few weeks in. So, I feel some of the pain to an extent and also not becoming pregnant until I was almost 30 was very hard for me. I wanted to start a family when I was 20! I didn't even get married until I was 25.
    I believe the more open about it, the more healing comes. I believe Jesus is the miracle worker and will work in you and your body!

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    1. I actually will touch of the fact of my sister getting pregnant in a later post so I can totally relate to all that. Im glad everything has worked out for you!

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  5. Stephanie, I'm sorry you are going through this. I've been through infertility and am also adopted, so this is a matter that is close to my heart. Can I partner with you in prayer?
    Jennifer (Stephanie's sister)

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    1. Hi Jennifer! I am always thankful for an extra prayer partner. I had no idea you were adopted! {hugs}

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