Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Choosing to be Thankful

On Christmas night last year...after Alexx went to bed and I was left with a quiet house. I sat and cried. I always cry when Christmas is over (because I love it so much) but I was crying because I was so tired of it never being my turn. Seems I always have at least one family member or friend pregnant, I take photos of precious couples expecting, etc... And while I am so happy for them I always have that nagging voice reminding me that, yet again, I have been passed up. And just keeping it honest - it really chaps me when I feel its an undeserving person - like someone who doesn't even treasure the kids they already have or they had no desire to get pregnant, but it just "happened".

I decided that night that for 2013 I would not let myself continue in this pity party. I had to be strong. I hate being weak and women who are not strong and independent annoy the hell outta me. I was better than this. I had to make some changes. I took baby steps. Some of those steps included taking care of me. For 2013 I allowed myself some of the following:

1. If I don't feel up to going to another baby shower - then I wont go and I wont allow myself or anyone else to make me feel guilty about it.

2. I don't have to go to church on Mothers Day. I had to have a little chat with my own momma on this one, but it was BY FAR one of the best decisions I made. I hate going to church on Mothers thoroughly sucks. I don't know what it is about being in the Lords house on such a day that brings on more emotions than feel sadness, anger, lonely, embarrassed, etc... along with feeling like a horrible Christian for even feeling such things. Ugh no thank you.

3. It's ok to have a day and cry it out....but then you get back up and move on. HIS grace is new every morning. Start fresh tomorrow.

4. Be Thankful. When I am at my lowest, I say what I am thankful for. When I feel bitterness coming I praise God for what HE has given me that others do not have. When I am overwhelmed I speak peace and have some "me" time.

I have tried extra hard this year to focus particularly on what I do have and not about the one thing that I don't have.

There have been some major tests too...I mean at one point I counted 31 lovely ladies on my facebook who were all pregnant at the same time. It was almost daily that I was seeing a "pregnancy announcement" pop up. I also have to constantly deal with a woman who does not take care of the two kids she has and does not give them near the love they deserve (more on that another day).

Some days weeks have been worse than others. I still had a few pity parties and 1 or 2 yelling sessions with God, but this year has given me more peace. I have found more joy. I have been more Thankful.

You are not alone. It's ok to feel what you are feeling, but I want to encourage you tomorrow and over the next several weeks to remind yourself of what you do have. Don't forget how amazing and wonderful you are. Extra hugs to you during the Holiday season....

Brave Girls Club - You can do hard things
Happy Thanksgiving!


Wednesday, October 30, 2013

I am a victim of Infertility.

 I honestly don't even know how to start this entry. I really would rather just close down my blog all together and pretend this never happened! But God has really been dealing with me over the last several months about sharing my heart. I am terrified about this whole process, but I am dead set on keeping it as real and raw as possible.

 I remember having lots of baby dolls as a little girl - I named most all of them Susie - for what reason, I have no idea. By the time I was 15 I had my life completely planned out - down to what I would name my two adorable children, I was open to a 3rd child, but I for sure had to have two - but no more than three. I am a planner. I like to think things through. I had this planned for years! haha

 One night I remember having a sleepover with my best friend. We were both maybe 16 and we were talking about out latest crushes, our weddings, and yes, our future kids. I distinctly remember her saying "Bout if we can't have kids - I would really want to adopt" My response: "Oh, if I cant have kids, for whatever reason, then i'll just take it as God telling me it's not His plan. I have no desire to adopt." In my mind I was thinking "of course i'll have kids - no one im related to has really struggled with infertility - i'll be fine".

 I'm now 32 years old, with two miscarriages under my belt...and

 I had my first miscarriage just a few months after my first marriage (we are now divorced). When I saw that pregnancy test say "pregnant" I was overwhelm with emotions. My perfect little adult life was coming together! I went out that night and bought an outfit - it was a girls outfit, cause I just knew I would have a little princess first. Our families were all a little shocked - it was going to take them some time to comes to terms with everything. But all I knew was that I was going to be a mom!

 Several weeks later I experienced my first miscarriage. I had gone to the doctor, expecting to hear her heartbeat for the first time, instead - long story short - I went home knowing that within in the next 24 hours I would have some discomfort and would pass a "mass". The night of my miscarriage forever changed me. I have never experienced emotions like that. I slapped a smile on my face and told everyone I was ok and that the doctor assured me that I was healthy and that sometimes this happens and lots of women miscarry their first child - some do not even know it. We would try again in a year when we were more established. And to be honest, I eventually was ok. Sure, it still hurt when I thought about it - but, I was still young  - I was only 21 - I still had tons of time to have my babies.

 Two years later, I miscarried again. I didn't tell anyone - when I saw the positive pregnancy test I was elated, but I buried it in the bottom of the trash can as I did not want to tell anyone until I knew the child was healthy. I scheduled my doctor appointment and daydreamed about the next 9 months. A few weeks later a heavy period and all of a sudden a negative pregnancy test. I didn't tell a soul. I was ashamed and embarrassed.

 From that day on i've never had another positive test.

 I hope to share more over the next several weeks about my emotional and spiritual journey on infertility. The heartache, anger, pain, embarrassment and all the other emotions that only someone who has lost a child or longed for a child can relate to. I will also talk about how God is currently {slowly} healing my heart and giving my soul peace.