Self-worth

 I had every intention of really sticking with this... I have had a really rough year, shortly after the holidays my world was turned upside down (more on that later). Through it all though, this blog has been in the back of my mind...

Since these are the hardest things to write, and I really don't ever know how to start - let me just jump right in...

  By my mid 20's I was heartsick for a child. I would cry almost daily at the thought of having my own baby, I also cried daily at the thought of the possibility of never having one. I had this unexplainable longing to be a mommy. I wanted so badly to give my child(ren) an amazing, wonderful life. I would daydream of holiday traditions, surprising them at school lunches, my own photo shoot of my OWN baby, birthdays, vacations, and just experiencing life through their eyes (through all the good times and hard times). For years I battled with this almost daily, it was to the point that it was beginning to consume me. Let me just clarify right here that I NEVER felt bitterness/jealousy towards any other parents - thank goodness, because jealousy is an awful battle to fight. What I did feel was anger towards myself. What is wrong with me??? Why is God allowing this? Why am I not good enough?? WHY can I not do one of the main things God created women for?!? I was mad at myself, I let myself believe that the reason God must not be giving me a baby because I wouldn't be a good mom. I felt defeated. I felt disgusted. I felt loneliness.
I cried out to God...begging him to give me another chance at being pregnant. I kept so much of my sadness inside. I would act like I was ok with not having kids, I pretended to be ok with Gods will.

  I kept praying....some days it was ugly prayers...prayers that if any of you could hear right now I would turn 10 shades of red. I was not at my best in that part of my life.

 Then one day, a little over a year ago, during an ugly cry fest and pity party I heard God speak to me...I felt like it was the FIRST time EVER I had heard HIM speak to me in this particular area of my life. All He said was "Infertility does not define you". That was a turning point for me. I was letting my self worth be defined by my infertility. I was letting my longing, my heartache, my disgust with myself control me..and I didn't even fully realize it. It was a realization that I needed to remind myself of every day..and still do some days. Hearing Him tell me that was a relief off my shoulders. I still had so many questions and fears and confusion, but I felt He finally acknowledged me and the pain I was feeling. I finally let my guard down and let God start defining me with all the other amazing blessings and gifts in my life.

It would be about a year later before I would feel like I heard from God again, before I felt him acknowledge me and my heartache. Something very significant happened to me just a couple of months ago...I will share that story soon.

xo,

S