Friends

  My sister is 7 years younger than me, by the time she was married I was already divorced. I absolutely LOVE my sister and her husband, but when I knew they were trying for a baby my heart literally ached. Not because I was jealous or that I wasn't over the moon excited for their new journey, but because I am the older sister. I should be the one to go first. I should be the one she calls with baby questions and we should be planning play dates with our kids. I longed for that. My mind was not in a good place at that time. I had to have a very real talk with my sister and I flat out told her " i'm so excited that y'all are trying and I pray that you have NO problems, but I just want to be honest with you - when that time comes I would prefer you not tell me in person." The reason I didn't want to be told in person was because I didn't know what my reaction would be. My emotions were so out of control during those years that I some days a Huggies commercial would send me into hysterics. I did not want to give them a bad reaction, I did not want to give them the reaction that I received from some the first time I got pregnant. I wanted to be over the moon and nothing but excited for this MIRACLE and I honestly just didn't know if I would immediately be able to give them that. Thankfully, I am beyond blessed with the most amazing sister who was more than understanding. Every time I would hear of another pregnant friend it was like a stab in my heart. I was so happy for them, but so sad for me. I felt like I was forgotten by God every time. Sure enough, a couple of months later my sister and brother-in-law called me and gave me the wonderful news. I cheered with them over the phone and was truly happy. I hung up the phone and looked at Alexx and just burst into tears...I cried for hours. It was such an emotional moment. I was crying tears of happiness, of pain, of anger towards God and myself, of feeling guilty for even crying - oh I was a mess. It took me a few days to sort through it all, but I came around and even threw her an amazing baby shower. Nine months later she gave me my niece and it was love at first sight. ;)

  I also had a close friend that was a new mom who called me all the time voicing the frustration of the learning process all first times moms go through....she would call wanting input or advice at times, but when I would give any her response was "i know you don't understand - you will understand when you're a mom" I just want to say right now...moms don't tell a woman struggling with infertility that EVER. First off, just because i'm not a mom doesn't make me an idiot. I do know what diaper rash and colic is and can offer solutions or products to try. Also, it just makes you look like a jerk. I do not want anyone to ever feel like they need to walk on egg shells around me or be ultra careful about what they say to me - I have pretty thick skin, but I do want to encourage you to show a little compassion and think sometimes before you speak when talking to those longing to be a mom. Trust me, we don't want to singled out or made to feel like we belong in a glass house, but we do notice small gestures from other moms and they are so appreciated.

  One more story before I call it a night, one evening I was at Ben and Jerrys with my best friend and several other friends. My bestie knew my struggle and pain. She knows me well enough to know I was putting on somewhat of a front over the years. It was not something we talked tons and tons about, but she knew. She was a newly wed at the time and one of our friends asked her when her and her new hubby would start trying for a baby. I could tell she was uncomfortable - not because she wasn't ready to be a mom herself, but because she is amazing and was being sensitive to me. I HATED the uncomfortable look on her face. As the conversation went on, before I knew it, all four of us were crying at the table over our ice cream...she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said "I don't want to get pregnant before you. I want it for you so bad. When the time comes for us to start trying if I don't have any problems getting pregnant I will feel guilty." I will never forget that moment. It gave me a lump in my throat - oh what a precious friend I have - she knows me and my hurt more than I ever knew, she is so selfless, but at the same time it made me take a good look in the mirror. Is my sadness, that I thought I was so good at hiding, that obvious to those around me?? Am I only kidding myself? I would NEVER EVER want anyone, especially those closest to me to ever feel guilty or uncomfortable around me. I assured her a million times over that she better NEVER feel like that and I pray she would never know this struggle. After that, it was the final straw, I knew I had to get ahold of myself - it was already controlling my life and now starting to control the ones I loved most.

xo,

S