I honestly don't even know how to start this entry. I really would rather just close down my blog all together and pretend this never happened! But God has really been dealing with me over the last several months about sharing my heart. I am terrified about this whole process, but I am dead set on keeping it as real and raw as possible.
I remember having lots of baby dolls as a little girl - I named most all of them Susie - for what reason, I have no idea. By the time I was 15 I had my life completely planned out - down to what I would name my two adorable children, I was open to a 3rd child, but I for sure had to have two - but no more than three. I am a planner. I like to think things through. I had this planned for years! haha
One night I remember having a sleepover with my best friend. We were both maybe 16 and we were talking about out latest crushes, our weddings, and yes, our future kids. I distinctly remember her saying "Bout if we can't have kids - I would really want to adopt" My response: "Oh, if I cant have kids, for whatever reason, then i'll just take it as God telling me it's not His plan. I have no desire to adopt." In my mind I was thinking "of course i'll have kids - no one im related to has really struggled with infertility - i'll be fine".
I'm now 32 years old, with two miscarriages under my belt...and still.no.kids.
I had my first miscarriage just a few months after my first marriage (we are now divorced). When I saw that pregnancy test say "pregnant" I was overwhelm with emotions. My perfect little adult life was coming together! I went out that night and bought an outfit - it was a girls outfit, cause I just knew I would have a little princess first. Our families were all a little shocked - it was going to take them some time to comes to terms with everything. But all I knew was that I was going to be a mom!
Several weeks later I experienced my first miscarriage. I had gone to the doctor, expecting to hear her heartbeat for the first time, instead - long story short - I went home knowing that within in the next 24 hours I would have some discomfort and would pass a "mass". The night of my miscarriage forever changed me. I have never experienced emotions like that. I slapped a smile on my face and told everyone I was ok and that the doctor assured me that I was healthy and that sometimes this happens and lots of women miscarry their first child - some do not even know it. We would try again in a year when we were more established. And to be honest, I eventually was ok. Sure, it still hurt when I thought about it - but, I was still young - I was only 21 - I still had tons of time to have my babies.
Two years later, I miscarried again. I didn't tell anyone - when I saw the positive pregnancy test I was elated, but I buried it in the bottom of the trash can as I did not want to tell anyone until I knew the child was healthy. I scheduled my doctor appointment and daydreamed about the next 9 months. A few weeks later a heavy period and all of a sudden a negative pregnancy test. I didn't tell a soul. I was ashamed and embarrassed.
From that day on i've never had another positive test.
I hope to share more over the next several weeks about my emotional and spiritual journey on infertility. The heartache, anger, pain, embarrassment and all the other emotions that only someone who has lost a child or longed for a child can relate to. I will also talk about how God is currently {slowly} healing my heart and giving my soul peace.
xo
Stephanie
